sweetdevil | 37TH ♫ | so i'll say “hello” again, “hello

Nee-chan, I want to go hunting.

[It'd been a week since Ruu had been rescued from the ruins of what was once Namekawa Grade School; and nearly a week since she nearly charged them all with a spear before realizing her sister was one of them. It was clear that Ruu's experience in the apocalypse had been... harder than their's. She was always on-guard and paranoid, usually not leaving her sister's side.]

[Ruu did not understand fully how her sister and the others had survived; she didn't understand the people who holed themselves up, but she assumed that at the least, they had to hunt for fresh meat, right? They hadn't survived 9 months just eating canned stuff and veggies? And this was the perfect chance to show everyone she wasn't just some kid to be babied!]

[She couldn't speak, but she still enthusiastically wrote it down on a piece of paper.]

Let me go hunting neechan! Give me a few hours and I can capture a few rabbits and we can have some fresh meat!

[ Ruu is safe.

Every few hours during the day, Yuuri stops what she's doing to repeat those words to herself and just try and absorb it. Ruu is safe. Even now, she's not fully convinced she's not about to blink awake and realize the whole thing was a dream.

It's not been perfect. Even she can see that – or rather, she's better equipped than anyone to see it. Ruu's still quiet and timid, just as she remembered, but there's a difference to it now. It's like the softness she remembered has been ground down and sharpened to a razor edge and it makes Yuuri feel off-kilter when she sees it.

So maybe, considering all that, she shouldn't be so surprised by the message Ruu gives her. Ruu had to have survived somehow out there at the school alone, but seeing it still makes Yuuri feel winded, like she's taken a blow to the stomach.

It takes her a second to make her voice level and, she hopes, keep her expression neutral if not completely calm. ]

Hunting... for animals, you mean. [ Of course that's what she means. It's right there in the note, but Yuuri has to say it out loud to confirm it for herself. ] Is that what you'd been doing back– back at the school?

I might be able to kill a few of the dead guys too. Keeps everything safer. I just need a clean knife for the food!

[Ruu had changed.]

[The way she talked about these things, or rather wrote them, were natural to her. Killing zombies and hunting animals; she wrote it as casually as before as when she talked about getting new toys or making origami.]

Yeah! Along with scavenging! The birdies and bunnies are easier to capture, but the birds have too many feathers and I don't like eating those. The really nice thing you can hunt is deer! But you need more people to bring them back. One deer feeds your group for a long time though!

[Oh, they had done so much more than just that... but Rii didn't need to know that. Right now, she just wanted to get food for the Living Club and prove she didn't need to be babied! She was gonna show these lockers how it worked out here!]

[ And there it is. Put so matter-of-factly, Yuuri can't pretend it's anything but what it so clearly is, no matter how badly she wants to. It makes her feel queasy to think of Ruu not just hunting, but being so familiar with it that she has preferences to express – but that's selfish.

She'd been safe, locked up in Megurigaoka and Ruu had been on her own. Yuuri should be – and is – thankful that she's alive to tell the tale. Hunting is probably the least she's had to do and it's naive on Yuuri's part to reel so at the idea of it.

So she stoops down slowly, putting herself on Ruu's level properly – this feels like a capital-T Talk and not one they should have with Yuuri stood over her. ]

Ruu-chan, I... right now, I don't think it's a good idea. Not– not right now.

[ Maybe not ever is the obvious subtext there even if Yuuri can't bring herself to say it outright. ]

Not now? Then when?

[Ruu was confused. She knew lockers didn't usually like hunting and stuff; but she was offering to do it...]

I can totally do it though! You gotta trust me, neechan! We've been eating canned stuff only for days!

[She wrote down quickly. She was sick of this canned stuff; she wanted meat, real meat, and she wanted her sister to eat good too! She didn't feel happy knowing her sister had to keep living like this...]

Rii, if you don't eat good stuff you'll get sick...

[ She wishes this was as easy as talking to Yuki. There's a twinge of guilt in her chest as she thinks it, because explaining things to Yuki always requires a layer of falsehood – if not an outright lie. But even if Yuuri could bring herself to even try lying to Ruu, she has a feeling it just wouldn't fly.

Does it make her an awful person, if being honest is this difficult for her? ]

It's not that I don't trust you. I know you've been doing this all by yourself for who knows how long, but I...

[ She trails off and then takes in a slightly shaky breath and puts her hands out, palms up, for Ruu to take. ]

There's nothing that's more important to me than keeping you safe right now. I don't want to just send you out alone where it's so dangerous.

[Alone. There it was again; alone. But she hadn't been alone, not until recently. But she had been alone before her sister and friends found her again...]

[What would happen if her sister found out the truth, though? About all the things they had done? Could she ever possibly forgive her?]

[Could anyone like that deserve to be loved after that?]

I wanna be useful neechan... I don't like being cramped up like this...

[She would have hated being lectured about safety from lockers, but with Rii, she didn't want to make a fight. And she took her big sister's hand, holding onto her big sister. It was warm... She wanted to write something else down, but did not want to ruin this moment either. The warmth and gentleness of Yuuri...]

[She leaned in, forcing herself to whisper, her voice raspy from disuse. Ruu had only spoken a small handful of times since coming with the School Living Club, so when she did, it commanded attention.]

... D... do... don't... w-wo... worry a... about me... I-I'm fine... n-neechan...

Edited 2019-12-06 03:08 (UTC)

[ This time Yuuri can't quite hide her dismay – it shows in the pinch of her lips and the way her brows furrow. All at once she's scolding herself for not being able to keep calm and she knows that any show of distress could be taken as distaste or even outright rejection. Which, of course, couldn't be further from the truth – Yuuri can think of nothing that would make her reject Ruu even or maybe even especially now.

But the idea that Ruu would worry about being useful, that she'd want to go out to hunt and kill just to prove that she could do it makes Yuuri's heart ache. And if that wasn't bad enough, the sound of her sister's voice, still so soft from disuse, makes it feel like it might be about to break outright.

There was still good in this world. Yuki had taught them all that and Yuuri fought every day to carry on believing it. But a world that had done this to her little sister – it can't really have been that good, can it?

She squeezes Ruu's hands gently. ]

It's not about being useful, Ruu-chan. You shouldn't have to worry about that, especially now you're not in that school anymore. If you're feeling restless then we can come up with something together to help you work through it, but...

[ Letting go of one of Ruu's hands, Yuuri reaches up to gently tuck a stray lock of hair behind Ruu's ear. It would've been an effortless, thoughtless gesture before everything had fallen part but even this, now, feels like something precious that Yuuri should treasure. ]

I don't want you to just survive. I want you to live. Do you understand what I mean?

[Ruu is so confused.]

[Survive? Live? Weren't those the same things? What was the difference again? How warped Ruu's sense of being had become. She looked up at her sister, and Yuuri could clearly see the confusion in her face. But before she could protest, just that act of tenderly reaching for her hair seemed to calm her. She nuzzled into Yuuri's hand, eyes tearing up. How long had it been since she felt that... safe? For the past 9 months, whenever a hand had been on Ruu, it was in a fight. This was... it was clear Yuuri's simple gesture was having an impact, and seemed to destroy her resistance in that instant.]

[For a second, it was like she was a normal child again.]

[A second, anyways. Ruu bit on her lip, writing again a moment later.]

It's not me you have to worry about. I can survive on my own. It's all of you that I'm worried about.

[For a split second, it was like the world stopped.]

Don't you remember that Yui lady?

"You and Takeya are clocking out." [Yui's voice echoed in their heads.]

She was soft. A lot of people would have just shot that girl. We got lucky. We need to be strong to survive. How can we live if we're not surviving? That's why I want to do this! So we can all survive and be happy again one day! I just want to help.

["One day." What Yuuri was trying to say, to live instead of just survive, she didn't understand it fully. Maybe she couldn't, anymore. But... at the least, one thing was clear now; Ruu had not fully given up on the idea of being happy again.]

Edited 2019-12-07 17:11 (UTC)

[ Yuuri shakes her head. Though it's a bit of a strain, she manages to give Ruu her best attempt at a smile. ]

Sorry. That's easier said than done. I'm your big sister, aren't I? It's my job to worry about you.

[ When it came to Ruu, worry was her constant companion. It always had been, even back when things were normal. But that was nothing compared to the all-consuming dread that sat in her stomach day-to-day. Having Ruu with her was a blessing she wouldn't give up for anything, but she wished with all her heart that the situation was different. ]

That's why I want to be the one who has to worry about being strong for you. I don't want that to be something that has to sit on your shoulders anymore. You've spent so long all by yourself having to be strong and I...

[ Her voice catches and she makes herself stop and take a breath. Even the thought of what she's about to suggest feels somehow distasteful, but it's better than trying to fight Ruu at every step. More importantly, maybe this will be the thing she needs. If Ruu wants to help, then Yuuri can at least give her an opportunity to do that. ]

I want to try and find a place for you where you don't have to be. Even if I have to make it myself. So... will you think about teaching neechan how to be strong like you are? So I can do it for you.

[Ruu was determined to stand her ground. She didn't just want to be the baby everyone had to look after; she was a survivor, just like everyone else. The idea of just... being a defenseless child again was insulting to her.]

[But she smiled at what Yuuri said, wanting to reassure her a bit. At the least, Ruu seemed... satisfied by this explanation.]

I'll teach you how to hunt. You and everyone else but you first! Even if you don't want me fighting dead guys though, I want to still be able to hunt or something else OK? I know you're worried about me neechan, but please please please understand I'm a big girl now OK? If you don't let me do hard work too then that means I'm not doing my fair share. I don't want to do that.

[But she smiled. She could tell that Yuuri was distressed, and she felt bad. She was dumping a lot on Yuuri at once she knew... even though she was upset that it sounded like none of the School Living Club hunted for food and that she'd be eating canned stuff for a while longer, she didn't want to be selfish. She didn't want to distress Yuuri more and more... so she smiled, hoping Yuuri would be a little happier. And she gave her a hug, before lying her head on her lap, looking up and smiling.]

Y... yo... you... u-used... br... braid... m-my ha... my hai... my hair... reme... remember...?

[Her voice was still so weak and delicate, but so innocent too. And her eyes were content... even excited.]

[ Though she doesn't quite trust her voice to hold steady, Yuuri's smile stays fixed neatly in place – she's had a lot of practice keeping it that way and it's only when Ruu is in her arms and the girl has no way of seeing her face does she let it falter for just a moment.

Though she can show Ruu a strong face, on the inside, the very idea of having to hunt for food makes something in her stomach curdle like old milk. She's naive and foolish and she knows she can't afford to let this disgust dictate her actions – because... what excuse does she have, really? While she was sealed away safe and sound inside Megurigaoka, Ruu had done it.

Yuuri had always said she would do anything for Ruu. She can't let that stop her.

Once she feels Ruu pulling away, she hastens to fix a smile back onto her face – one that softens and becomes gentler, more genuine when she realizes what the girl is asking. ]

Of course I do. Your hair's grown out even longer now... just imagine how long your braids would be.

[Ruu felt content; something she hadn't felt in... how long has it been, now? For the first time in a long while, being like this...

... She almost felt like a real kid again. And she took to writing.]

I bet it'll look really pretty!

[The things little kids should be concerned about. Not hunting, fighting zombies, or anything like that.]

Just for right now, I wanna be a normal kid again, OK?

[There was something heartbreaking about how Ruu had to write it... but at least just for right now, this moment, everything was fine. Everything would be OK.]

Okay.

[ She can't keep a wobble out of her voice this time, but she thinks Ruu will understand. Being a normal kid isn't something Ruu should have to consciously try and make happen, but if it's asked of her, Yuuri will do anything to make sure it comes true. ]

Let's go find a mirror and some things for your hair, then. I know we've got a brush and some hairties somewhere...

[Ruu kept on smiling as she followed her beloved big sister, making her way to the bathroom. The mirror inside was dirty and cracked, but Ruu figured it would work.]

[It really did feel nice, letting go of her worries for just a bit and let Yuuri take care of her. Sure, they'd have to go back to work, but there was no harm in having just a little fun, right?]

I haven't done it in a while. It wasn't useful to us in Namekawa, so we got rid of it along with the other useless stuff.

[She didn't know if she had divulged too much right there, but took a seat nonetheless.]

Edited 2020-01-08 19:11 (UTC)

Oh, really? There's nothing useless about keeping your hair nice and tidy, you know.

[ Her tone is chiding but in a playful, self-aware sort of way. The mood has lightened now and even if it's only for a few minutes, she hopes she can help wind out some of that ever-present tension from her sister. So even if it tugs at her heart to hear Ruu admit to something like that so casually, she won't let it show. Even if it breaks her heart, she'll smile and keep her tone buoyant.

With slow, careful touches, Yuuri starts by working her hands gently through Ruu's hair. It's so long and with all the work they do, it's no surprise there's a few tangles so she wants to work those out as carefully as she could. ]

Kurumi used to put hers in braids and tie them into loops if she had to do anything where she'd be running through crowds. But between you and me, I think she liked how cute they looked, too.

That sounds useful...

[It was, wasn't it? Despite everything, Ruu had an attachment to her hair, enough she had not cut it like man of the other children did during their time in Namekawa. Even when her now ex-friends questioned why the Commander didn't cut their hair like they did, she just shrugged it off.]

There's not a lot of hostile groups left other than the Megurigaoka Tower and Prison guys, so people grabbing your hair isn't a big problem anymore.

[She paused, before writing again]

Neechan, has your group had to fight real people yet?

[She wasn't trying to make the tension rise again or anything, but it was a legitimate question that had been bothering her...]

[ Yuuri's hand paused, but only for a second. It was as though a chip in her guard had been momentarily jarred, but then just as quick as she'd been startled out of it, she regained her composure and finished working her way through Ruu's hair, trailing her fingers right down to the soft, wispy tips of it. ]

No, we haven't.

[ She doesn't say not yet because even though she knows it's an inevitability, she doesn't want to acknowledge it out loud, at least not yet. ]

But don't worry about that. Okay? Whatever happens in the future, we'll get past it. We've got you with us now, haven't we?

[Ruu wanted to say something when she said that. How safe had her sister and friends been to not fight anyone until now? That explained a lot to her already... like how even hunting seemed like something odd for them. But her neechan told her not to worry about that for now... yeah. She could worry about that later.]

Yeah you got me!!! I'm really strong, so I can help fight!

[Her smile was innocent, as she misunderstood what Yuuri was trying to say. Fighting, survival was just so ingrained into her now, it was her first response. She stiffened a bit as Yuuri worked on the knots and tangles in her hair. Ruu's hair was so beautiful before, it was a shame to see it like that...]

[ Yuuri doesn't quite know how to respond to that – so, as she's learning to do, she simply smiles and let the sentence hang in the air, unanswered. She's probably going to pay the price for this later, but for now... she just wants to hang onto this quiet moment, for as long as she can. ]

I'm not tugging on your scalp, am I? I thought it'd be a good idea to get out the worst of the tangles before I started with the brush.

It's OK, neechan! Just a little but I'm OK. [She happily wrote. Yeah, she was tugging a little, but a little discomfort was the norm nowadays. She just... wanted her hair to not be so messy now. She had to admit, she did miss having conditioner, despite what she said before...]

[... How many more things would she realized she had missed that she had decried as useless, she wondered? Would she become nostalgic for the world gone away, again? In fact... being like this again, she couldn't help but remember something.]

Remember when you tried giving me a haircut when I was smaller and how mad mom got when she saw it?

[Even in a world like this, she could tease her sister with embarrassing incidents from the past, right?]

[ That really gives Yuuri pause – in fact, it startles a laugh out of her, unguarded and unfiltered. It was such a long time ago that Yuuri herself had forgotten it and even if she hadn't, she never would've expected Ruu to remember it. So much time has passed and so much has happened that thinking back to the times before almost feels like she's trying to just play pretend, but she knows that if Ruu remembers it, then it has to be true. ]

I was so proud too. I thought they'd be so happy to see that I'd done it all by myself and they didn't have to worry about taking you down to the hairdressers. I'd even gone and gotten her best scissors to make sure it was cut nice and clean.

[ She giggles to herself, gently working her fingers through a particularly stubborn knot. ]

And it was a very clean cut. I'll stand by that. It just wasn't particularly... even.

Half my hair was longer than the other half and not divided either! [Ruu giggled at the memory, sighing as her sister continued to work on her hair, wincing as her sister had to work on a rather tough knot. And then, she sighed.]

I don't remember mom much anymore. Was she nice?

[It was sad, but true. The Wakasas were so absent so often... by the time she was seven, Ruu didn't expect to see them at her birthdays anymore; and indeed, the last two had been missed. And from the looks of it, it wasn't like... there was going to be any more birthday parties in the future. But still... Ruu had always hoped there would be more chances to bond with them when they were older, but here she was; asking her older sister if their parents were actually nice, not having enough memories off them to build an opinion.]

Do you think they're alright?

37TH ♫ | so i'll say “hello” again, “hello – just who have i become?”

A Simple Request

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